Bulwer-Lytton Queen's Thief sentences!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

OK, everybody, I just had a terrible idea -- or maybe it's actually brilliant, I don't know... But anyway ... You know the Bulwer-Lytton contest? The one where you try to come up with the worst possible opening sentence for a novel? Well my sister and I were inventing some sentences, and somehow some minor QT characters got involved. Nahuserfish, for instance. Here are a couple of sentences that Megan Whalen Turner would never write.

Queen's Thief Bulwer-Lytton Prize Entries.

"Handsome is as handsome does," thought Legarus the Awesomely Beautiful, as he leaned on his spear, contemplating the new-model gun he carried as a member of the Queen's Guard, which, though poor of aim and slow of response, was highly decorative -- indeed, almost blinding, beset as it was with jewels -- and so couldn't have been more perfect for him.

Nahuserfish, the Mede ambassador, sat sharpening his beard into points like a fork and anointing it with cheap hair oil, wishing that women were as easy to manage as his luxuriant facial hair.
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What do you think? Would anybody like to improve upon these, or make up some more?
;-D