Bulwer-Lytton Queen's Thief sentences!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

OK, everybody, I just had a terrible idea -- or maybe it's actually brilliant, I don't know... But anyway ... You know the Bulwer-Lytton contest? The one where you try to come up with the worst possible opening sentence for a novel? Well my sister and I were inventing some sentences, and somehow some minor QT characters got involved. Nahuserfish, for instance. Here are a couple of sentences that Megan Whalen Turner would never write.

Queen's Thief Bulwer-Lytton Prize Entries.

"Handsome is as handsome does," thought Legarus the Awesomely Beautiful, as he leaned on his spear, contemplating the new-model gun he carried as a member of the Queen's Guard, which, though poor of aim and slow of response, was highly decorative -- indeed, almost blinding, beset as it was with jewels -- and so couldn't have been more perfect for him.

Nahuserfish, the Mede ambassador, sat sharpening his beard into points like a fork and anointing it with cheap hair oil, wishing that women were as easy to manage as his luxuriant facial hair.
______________

What do you think? Would anybody like to improve upon these, or make up some more?
;-D

Comments

[willow-41z.livejournal.com]

... I would like to give you an Internet.

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Bwah hah hahaha! A whole internet -- for me? Thank you so much!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! The one about the Mede ambassador made me laugh out loud. ;)

[booksrgood4u.livejournal.com]

I really have nothing to add, except that are truly terrible opening lines...And I do mean terrible in the best possible way! ;P

[checkers65477.livejournal.com]

I adore you.

Here are some of the past winners (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm) of the Bulwer-Lytton contest. I still have a tear in my eye, a good 5 minutes after reading them. We can do this, people! Let the terrible writing begin!

[ladyadeone.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link!

[ninedaysaqueen.livejournal.com]

I have been inspired! You rock! XD I shall try, but I'm afraid I just can't right that badly. Heh...

Berrone shivered weakly as the small, cuddly kitten twitched and died in her arms--another victim of drowning and plain callousness of the human heart--she turned on the culprit, a servant of her fathers, full of righteous indignation, prepared to see him suffer the same fate as the kitten.

And if we had a very shallow Irene...

The queen of Attolia examined herself in a vanity mirror, ruby lips, raven hair, and snow pale skin reflected before her; and she smiled, pleased that her low neck-line was sure to impress the new Mede ambassador.

Okay... I just made myself gag. Eww.

Costis, the preverbal whipping boy of the Attolian guard, trundled along to meet his fate, high in the tallest tower of the tallest building in the capital--this was, of course, the palace, so it only made sense that it was tall--and as he climbed, he cursed the steep steps that were surely just another part of his undeserved punishment, thus the whole reason behind the tallness was revealed.

Dah! So terrible. This is a lot of fun!

[ladyadeone.livejournal.com]

All three are truly sick. XD

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

oh my gosh the redundant tallness and the stairs SLEW me. (I really want to say "SLAYED" because of the long "ay" in there but "slew" is more technically correct and where, one may ask, does "slain" fit into all this?)

anyway the point is, LOLOLOL.

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Oh, AMAZEMENT -- I love the one about Costis so much!

With your permission, I would like to take a stab at Berrone (poor girl!). Just because she's a little fierce and Attolia-like in your wonderfully bad sentence. Book Berrone couldn't possibly be so decisive -- could she?

So......

"Oh, oh, how COULD you, sobbed Berrone, over the shaking, shivering kitten cradled in her arms, its soft fur spiky with wetness, its frail body twitching -- and, as she raised her eyes to her father's favorite retainer, who had almost succeeded in drowning the little creature, she was overcome by a paroxysm of sobs, and her tears rained down upon and engulfed the tiny cat, effectively finishing his job.

PS My kitty was sitting on my lap as I was typing this, and she got up and left. Do you wonder?

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Oh, forgot to say --- "preverbal" is PERFECT! LOL!

[(Anonymous)]

LOL they are all funny eps the last one!! *huggleCostis*

elle

[agentmaly.livejournal.com]

Jumping from the wall, stumbling from the fall, and fleeing from them all, Eugenides hurriedly, hastily, hostilely pelted through the subtle sable supple streets of Attolia's capitol city, hoping to gods, men, and beasts to escape before the Queen's Guard captured, seized, or apprehended him.

[ninedaysaqueen.livejournal.com]

I love how the beginning rhymes! So wonderfully redundant too! And the awful alliteration! *dies*

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Oh, wonderment! I am overcome! Reading what you wrote, I am prone to gloat and bid the world take note of your twisty, torturous, tanglement of wondrous, well-formed words, before I I forget, disremember, or misrecollect them all!

YAY! You rock!

[freenarnian.livejournal.com]

Heck, I would read that book. ;)

[checkers65477.livejournal.com]

This is about as bad as I can make it.

As the Mede army poured down the hill to fiercely engage the Attolians, Eugenides wished he weren’t wearing one of his coats with the blasted Medean-cut bell sleeves that got in the way of a sword, but that he’d worn a cape instead—not a long cape like the Magus wore (that would be impractical, too), but more like the nice short cape favored by Relius—and made a mental note, as he thwacked his Medean opponent on the head with the flat of the sword, to speak with his tailor as soon as he got home.

[willow-41z.livejournal.com]

That is bad!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

You have made me aware of a lack! I have never yet used the word "thwack!" That really made me laugh ;-D

[ninedaysaqueen.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I don't have a hard time imagining Gen fussing over his clothing while the Mede army was attacking. I salute your superb awfulness!

[aged-crone.livejournal.com]

Hephestenides (who was saddled with his name when his father, who although not particularly devout did enjoy cursing people using the impressive, rolling syllables of the name of the great goddess, and his mother, who, although also not religious, was something of a voluntary kleptomaniac who endeavored, not always successfully, to avoid the unpleasant consequences of her habit by claiming a particular devotion to the thief god, were unable to come to a decision regarding which of the two names should be bestowed upon their firstborn and decided to combine the two, drawing straws to see which name fragment should come first and realizing with agreeable surprise that they would now be able to name their second-born, who fortunately turned out to be a girl since the name had the appropriate feminine ending, Eugenestia - it was originally going to be Eugestia until a helpful neighbor asked, poker-faced, "Surely Eugestia?") paused for a moment in his labors, resting his chin thoughtfully on the worn and sweat-stained handle of the hoe - fortunately worn enough not to cause him discomfort, though of course a pillow would have been much pleasanter - with which he was preparing the ground to plant an olive tree as he pondered the latest news in what, if he had only known, would have made a really fabulous soap opera, if there had been any televisions or even any radios in Eddis, and wondered whether it was really true that the Queen of Eddis was marrying the new King of Sounis.

[checkers65477.livejournal.com]

I was hoping you'd get involved in this. By the time I got to the end of the parentheses, I had to look back at the beginning of the sentence to remind myself where we were going here.

[ninedaysaqueen.livejournal.com]

I decided to throw in some more malapropism, as inspired by The Rivals.

I cannot except this," ragged the queen, "I cannot except a thief barging threw my palace, accept when he is about to be napped!" Teleus blinked.

Ahem.

"Safety is an allusion, Costis," the king said seriously.

"An allusion to what?"

Eugenides sighed. "Forget it. You clearly cannot keep up with me. I am ominousness, after all. I know everything!"

[booksrgood4u.livejournal.com]

I don't think you can use 'omnicient' as a noun like that, Gen dear, actually, I don't 'omnisciousness' is a word at all...hmmm...

Haha, that's the point, I know. But I couldn't help it. Maybe I shall try my hand at some awful opening lines later....

[booksrgood4u.livejournal.com]

I am attempting awesome alliterative awfullnes:

Sejanus silently searched for a slippery, slimy snake to slip between silk sheets to scare the silly King senseless.

[aged-crone.livejournal.com]

Silly sovereign, surely?

[freenarnian.livejournal.com]

Oh dear! I've got nothin' on you all. :D But here's my humble contribution to this hilarious thread:

The Thief fought to extricate the mountain-wrought Gift he had sought and successfully brought embezzled beneath the base of his bedazzling braid - a clever plot, he thought - but unkempt as he was, it got caught, so maybe knot.

[agh-4.livejournal.com]

Once you've figured out what that one's actually about, it's a pretty funny image. :) Well, he was pretty tired at that point.

[agh-4.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love all these!

Here's one for The Thief:

I sat in despair and once again turned my weary thoughts, like an ever-returning pendulum, to the fact that my cell in the prison of the king of Sounis had truly become what a cell is, penning me in, and it didn't help a jot to think that every single brutally boring second I was here on its dank floor was due to my own vain machinations.