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queensthief
Hi. I apolgize for digging up old stuff from de archives, but I was looking through them yesterday and I got inspired. About a year and a half ago (though I, of course, had nothing to do w/ it, me being a newbie) Jade posted a write-KoA-like-another-author-would thing. Ha ha ha! You guys are GENiuses! They were SO MUCH FUN TO READ! GAAAAA!
Anyway, I got inspired, like I said, and wrote three myself, because I really really had to. I mean, yesterday I TRIED to study for my french test, but my mind was full of contemplation, so I had to pause and write these. So I'm posting them, because sharing is caring and, well, it would be weird to add new comments to a post from 2008.
(Aspectabound also did a Terry Pratchett one, which is FUNNY! ... but mine's different, so I'm not really copying ... I agree with Attolia/Vetinari!)
(I hope I'm not too harsh on Harry Potter, because I love Harry Potter. It just turned out like this.)
Sorry it's devilishly long. I couldn't figure out how to do the more under cool green highlightedness thing. Sorry.
The Queen of Attolia, by Gaston Leroux, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Charles Hart, and Richard Stilgoe
....be warned: the book's plot is almost nonexistant, it's so distorted and deformed to fit into the Phantom of the Opera.
Gen: My Queen, I've been having strange dreams.
Eddis: Yes, Eugenides?
Gen: In my dreams, I see a beautiful woman, dancing. If fills my spirit with a strange, sweet sound, bun in her I see all the sadness of the world. I am strangely enchanted.
Eddis: My Gods! Who IS this lady?
Gen: Um, y'know... the Queen of Attolia.
Eddis: THE QUEEN OF ATTOLIA?!?! My gods! She's dangerous! She haunts the peninsula! She cut off your hand! You must have been DREAMING!
Gen: Um, yeah. That's the idea. It was a dream. It's all inside my mind.
Voice of Attolia: I'm there.... inside your mind.............
Gen: Oh yeah, and I've been hearing creepy voices.
Eddis: Now that you mention it, my ministers have been getting notes threatening war if we don't do what she wants ... wait! Aren't YOU supposed to be the one being stealthy and creepy???
Gen: ...
Eddis: Oh look. It's Agape.
Gen: Agape! We seem to have met before, when we were young...
Agape: Eugenides, Eugenides...
**cue pretty love song**
Voice of Attolia: INSOLENT GIRL! THE THIEF IS MIIIIIIINE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Agape: Don't listen to her, Eugenides! She copped off your hand once, and she'll do it again!
Gen: I'm scared. Protect me, Agape. You're so much more normal, and you're soooo sweet! But still... I am oddly attracted to this cruel, beautiful woman.
Attolia: YOU SHALL CURSE THE DAY YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO THE QUEEN OF ATTOLIA! *drops metal, tree-ish thing that she hangs her earrings on on Gen's head and steals him away to her kingdom of darkness and music* AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gen: Waaaaaiiiiiit..... I was supposed to kidnap YOU!
Attolia: HA! Now you have to live in my palace with the masked killing machine that is me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Agape: Noooooo! Gen! I was trying to rescue you but she's gonna kill me!
Attolia: Do you love me, Gen? DO YOU LOVE ME?!?!
Gen: SERIOUS role reversal here. Yes, I love you, you pitiful creature. Now let me go and properly marry Agape like my cousin wanted me to.
Attolia: I'm so touched I'm going to redeem myself. Go marry her. You're special, Gen. It's all over for me now...
The King of Attolia, by JK Rowling
Moira: You're the only one who can do it, Gen. You have to go defeat the Medes with the power of love. The gods believe in you.
Gen: Meeee? No. That's dumb. I'm ALREADY king. I hate responsibility!
Eddis and Sophos and the Magus and Costis: We're coming with you!
Attolia: Me, too.
Gen: WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GO AND SAVE THE DAY? DO YOU SEE THIS SCAR ON MY FACE? I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE LIKE ME! DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY BEING A PAWN OF THE GODS!?!? WHOSE MOM DIED WHEN HE WAS TEN? WHO STOLE HAMIATHES'S GIFT AND HAD A SWORD PULLED OUT OF HIM? WHO ALMOST GOT ASSASSINATED? WHO GO HIS HAND CHOPPED OFF?!?!?!?!?!?
*awkward silence*
Attolia: Honestly, Gen.
Gen: I have to go alone. It is my destiny.
Friends: No, we need to help you. You need our help. We're coming. Even though you're unstable.
Nahuseresh: *high, cold laugh* I tried to kill you once and failed, but this time for sure! Ha! ...wait, you came back to life...?
Gen: Hee hee. You missed again. Now I'm going to kill you! You became immortal by splitting your slippery soul and storing separately in the points of your beard, but now I know and am going to kill you after we've walked around in a cricle for a sufficiant amount of time.
Nahuseresh: But I am the dark lord! I have the Elderly Sword! and that rhymes! Hold on, If I replace your missing hand with a silver one, will you spare me? (And besides, then it would actually end up killing you so I don't have to myself!)
Gen: No.
Nahuseresh: Very well. NOOOOOOOOOO! *dies*
Gen: *turns to friends* I couldn't have done it without you. To bad half the kingdom had to die in the battle.
Friends: Aw, blimy, Gen. Thanks!
*group hug*
Gen: Kreacher Costis, how about a sandwich?
The King of Attolia, by Terry Pratchett
War. It swept over the countries of the peninsula like so many swarms of flies, a beast with a mind of its own, a beast born out of humans that came to inhabit the planet almost as if scheduled....
The Meads* were coming. But not yet. Now, an assasination attept was taking place against Eugenides.
Relius: Ook!
Costis: Yes, Librarian Secretary of the Archives?
Relius: Ook!
Costis: Oh bugger! I have to go save the king RIGHT NOW! YOURRRR MAJESTYYYYYY!!!! *runs through underground caves, vaults over rancid rivers, fights off strange animals in a weird metaphorical way, etc*
Gen: *raises 1 eyebrow* Where am I? Who are you?
Death: I HAD THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE GUESSED. I HAVE ALWAYS CONSIDERED YOU A MILDLY INTELLIGENT PERSON.
Gen: Hang on, I have to get back! I AM king. Irene would be lost without my guidance. I'm not ready to die yet!
Death: YOU HAVE WISHED TO IN YOUR PAST.
...And Eugenides saw. He saw the world without his presence. He saw a future of war and sadness, a country without a king, with a queen who had lost all humanity and loyalty from her people, chaos, chaos and destruction....
Gen: *blinks* But things are different now! There're things I have to do! Like destroy the house of Erondites and say hahaha and prove myself and be generally the awesomest person there is!
Death: AH.
Gen: I'm not going to die. That's not how the story goes.
Death: PRECISELY. I AM GLAD YOU AGREE.
Gen: Then why are you still here?
Death: I CAN WAIT. YOU ARE FREE TO GO AS SOON AS YOU GIVE ME BACK MY SCYTHE.
Gen: *hands it back* I am king, you know.
Costis: Whoa, Your Majesty! That way, If I may say so, really really neato! You just got rid of three of those assassin guys!
Gen: I just hope they weren't Guild members...
Relius: Ook?
Gen: Oh, of course. I forgot. *gives him a banana*
Costis: How, in this climate ... ? A banana ...?
Gen: I have my ways, Costis. I have my ways.
--
*Meadia is an empire well known for its army and its strong liquor** It has succeeded in colonizing a good part of the Middle Sea area, in some cases because the rulers of the conquered lands had been gotten too drunk to object.
** One is the cause of the other, interestingly enough.
I hope you like!!!!!
Ohgod, this is really long. I'm so sorry for being a space hog (pigs in spaaaace!)
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Date: 1/29/10 12:43 am (UTC)XD
These are hilarious!! I'm having soo much fun reading them! Thanks for digging the archives and posting!!
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Date: 1/29/10 12:49 am (UTC)Maybe the beard is red because of the blood of millions of innocent mugg--I mean ... ummm, people who were conquered by the medes.
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Date: 1/30/10 03:36 am (UTC)You became immortal by splitting your slippery soul and storing separately in the points of your beard
See? XD
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Date: 1/29/10 12:50 am (UTC)Gen: Hee hee. You missed again. Now I'm going to kill you! You became immortal by splitting your slippery soul and storing separately in the points of your beard, but now I know and am going to kill you after we've walked around in a cricle for a sufficiant amount of time.
Nahuseresh: But I am the dark lord! I have the Elderly Sword! and that rhymes!
AND
Gen: *blinks* But things are different now! There're things I have to do! Like destroy the house of Erondites and say hahaha and prove myself and be generally the awesomest person there is!
AND
Death: I CAN WAIT. YOU ARE FREE TO GO AS SOON AS YOU GIVE ME BACK MY SCYTHE.
Gen: *hands it back* I am king, you know.
AND all of the Pratchett one, really.
Thanks for sharing, and for reminding me of the awesomeness of Jade's original post. Ah, good times.
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Date: 1/29/10 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 01:10 am (UTC)Also, thanks for the lj cut intructions, you mod you. That will be very useful in the future. :) :) :)!!!
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Date: 1/29/10 01:08 am (UTC)The Queens Thief series according to A. A. Milne
Eddis sidled up to Gen from behind.
"Gen," she whispered.
"Yes, My Queen?"
"Nothing," said Eddis, taking Gen's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
Or, In Which Costis Meets a Mede Ambassador
Eugenides looked round to see that nobody else was listening, and said in a very solemn voice:
"Costis, I have decided something."
"What have you decided, Your Majesty?"
"I have decided to catch Nahuseresh. I shall do it by means of a trap. And it must be a Cunning Trap, so you will have to help me, Costis."
"How shall we do it?"
The king's first idea was that they should dig a Very Deep Pit, and then Nahuseresh would come along and fall into the Pit, and -
"Why?" said Costis.
"Why what?" said the king.
"Why would he fall in?"
The king rubbed his nose with his hook, and said that Nahuseresh might be walking along, humming a little song, and looking up at the sky, wondering if it would rain, and so he wouldn't see the Very Deep Pit until he was half-way down, when it would be too late.
...that's all I've got.
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Date: 1/29/10 01:16 am (UTC)As you see, Checkers was right a few days ago about me never seeing my real life again, but at least we all get to partake in ... this.
I can really really picture him rubbing his nose with his hook. Oh wow.
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Date: 1/29/10 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 06:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 01:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 01:48 am (UTC)I'll repost the bit I did in a comment once...what The Thief would be like if Stephanie Meyer had written it. The scene where Attolia offers to spare his life, but Gen claims he has a sweetheart:
"You are promised to someone?" inquired the majestically beautiful queen slyly, unable to believe that such a foxily handsome youth would commit himself to only one lover.
"I am, Your Majesty," I murmured, gazing up at the ravishing queen through my feathery dusky lashes.
"And you will not break your promise?" The queen shook her head sadly, her ebony hair shimmering radiantly like the wing of a raven, slithering side to side as if it were the rippling mane of a stallion sculpted from obsidian.
"I couldn't, Your Majesty."
"Surely I am a better mistress to serve?" the queen simpered coyly, her breath quickening as she imagined all the dazzlingly glorious ways that she could have this comely knave serve her. She flexed her shapely marble fingers as she envisioned sliding them over his slender shoulders, their muscles taut as a tempered steel band under his tattered tunic that was ripped perfectly to reveal the resplendently bronze skin beneath. She would willingly throw away her glorious crown and all of power that she had worked so cunningly for over the years, for a chance to lay in his scintillating arms and be his fawning damsel forever.
"You are more beautiful, Your Majesty." The queen smiled coquettishly again before I finished. "But she is more kind."
So much for discretion. The smile disappeared like a candle flame snuffed by a lover's desperately hurried breath. You could have heard a pin drop, ringing musically, onto the unwieldingly rigid stone floor as her silky alabaster cheeks flushed red as a virginal dewy rose. No one would ever accuse the magnificently splendorous queen of Attolis of being kind.
She smiled at me again, a different, thinner smile like the smile of a cunning serpent, and inclined her stately head in acceptance of a point scored. I smiled back, pleased with myself in a harshly bitter way, until she turned to the captain of her guard.
"Take him upstairs and fetch a doctor," she ordered sharply. "We will give him a chance to change his mind." Her brilliantly scarlet peplos swept gracefully across the back of my weary hand as she haughtily whirled to leave, and I winced inwardly. The velvet was marvelously soft as a newborn kittens fur, but the delicately stitched embroidery scratched like the searingly keen tips of a panthers arched claws.
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Date: 1/29/10 02:15 am (UTC)I've never even read Twilight, but I have heard about the writing style. You have made me want to read it out of curiosity.
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Date: 1/29/10 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 02:29 am (UTC)And yet, and yet- it hurts. Reading this hurts. Agh, adjective overload!
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Date: 1/29/10 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 05:04 am (UTC)OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!
XD
*dies*
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Date: 1/29/10 12:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 05:04 am (UTC)This is completely off topic, but did you know that there is an avatar art book coming out in June? I just preordered it on Amazon, it looks awesome.
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Date: 1/29/10 03:40 pm (UTC)Ooooh. My family would be all over that art book.
I'm still trying to get around to watching all the eps that have commentary, but no one else wants to watch them with me. Don't they get it; it's hilarious and fascinating?!
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Date: 1/29/10 02:14 am (UTC)My favorite line.:"You became immortal by splitting your slippery soul and storing separately in the points of your beard."
Bahahahaha
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Date: 1/29/10 02:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 03:35 am (UTC)SO. HARD.
You are awesome. XD
I still have no idea WHY I haven't read any Terry Prachett. *fails at reading, apparently*
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Date: 1/29/10 05:50 am (UTC)MORT. SOUL MUSIC. HOGFATHER. THIEF OF TIME.
GUARDS! GUARDS!. MEN AT ARMS. FEET OF CLAY. FIFTH ELEPHANT. NIGHTWATCH.
LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE THE NEWER ONES TOO, BUT THE DEATH BOOKS AND THE WATCH BOOKS ARE MY FAVORITE.
:-D
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Date: 1/29/10 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 04:18 pm (UTC):-b
*sheepish*
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Date: 1/29/10 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 07:01 am (UTC)---
The king sat at his desk, thoughfully tapping his pen against his chin.
"Costis, what rhymes with 'cretin'?"
The guard at the door looked up. "Er. There's... well." He thought about it.
"'Beaten', your majesty."
"Oho! Good one! Fits rather well, too!" He turned back to his desk, his pen scratching the paper with enthusiasm.
There was a pause. "Your majesty, what exactly is it that you're doing?"
"Writing an ode."
"An ode."
"Mmm-hmm."
There was more scratching.
"Your majesty, what sort of ode has the words 'cretin' and 'beaten' in it?"
"One that rhymes."
"Amazingly, I had already guessed this."
"Well, there you are then."
Costis breathed heavily through his nose. "I am concerned about this ode, my king."
"Oh?"
"More specifically," continued Costis, "I am concerned that you might possibly be writing it for your wife."
The king stopped all movement for a moment as he processed this. He laid down his pen, and slowly swivelled his entire body to face Costis. He folded his hand and his hook across his lap.
"Costis," he said firmly, "I AM NOT YET READY TO DIE."
Costis leaned away slightly. "Very well, my king. I was just, you know, making sure."
"Well it was completely ridiculous. Out-of-the-question."
"Yes, of course, ah, my mistake. Apologies."
"It's going to be FROM my wife."
The king turned back to his desk. Costis's brow furrowed in contemplation.
The pen resumed its scratching.
"Er," said Costis, "Who are you writing it FOR, then?"
"Nahuseresh," he replied without looking up.
Costis shaded his eyes with a hand. "Oh yes. Yes, I see."
He didn't ask anything else.
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Date: 1/29/10 10:50 pm (UTC)At first it sounded a little like Wodehouse.
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Date: 1/30/10 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/29/10 09:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1/30/10 02:15 am (UTC)Well done!
Date: 1/30/10 03:47 am (UTC)AWESOME!
Date: 2/3/10 08:47 pm (UTC)There was a boy called Nahuserfish, and he almost deserved it. His relatives called him Nahuserfish, and his slaves called him Master. I can't tell you how his friends spoke to him, for he had none.
Nahuserfish liked animals, if they could be killed and made into delicious things to eat. He liked people, if they could be bullied, or persuaded to do things for him. He disliked his neighbors, the three free kingdoms of Sounis, Eddis, and Attolia. But he was glad when his emporer sent him as Ambassador to Attolia. For deep down inside, he liked bossing and bullying; and, though he was a puny person who could not have stood up even to the small and slender Thief of Eddis in a fight, let alone the soldiers of the Queen's Guard, he knew that there are dozens of ways to give people a bad time if they are obliged to treat you as an honored guest.
Re: AWESOME!
Date: 2/4/10 02:13 am (UTC)